Not sure what I’m living for

Not too many years ago I would look at someone strangely if they questioned their existence.  These days I would probably say something like, “I know how you feel.”  My life isn’t really all that different from back then except the fact that I’m older and wiser.  I’d like to think I’m wiser anyway but I might just be crazier.

I think my lack of life loving stems from my unwillingness to evolve in the same way most guys my age do.  I have no desire to start a family and commit to all the things that come along with that.  There really aren’t any goals that I have that I feel will bring me immense joy once I accomplish them.

Do I believe these aspects of life are the keys to happiness?  Not really.  But if you believe they are then it will keep you going.  I don’t have nothing really keeping me going except a possible more exciting future that is starving for hope as each day passes.  What I have sort of figured out is that your life will seem to have more meaning if you have regular excitement or misery in your life.

Excitement, yes but misery?  See, if you have misery in your life, you will live your life trying to climb your way out of that shithole.  You’ll just keep thinking to yourself about how happy you will be once you’re free of whatever crap you’re in.  It’s like the light at the end of the tunnel.  For many people life is built on a continuation of falling into shit or voluntarily jumping into shit and then digging yourself out.  Once we get to the light we look for more shit.  Of course if your misery is inescapable then you’ll probably want to die or just get fat or something.

Another thing to having a desire to live is feeling important.  You have to feel that your existence is important somewhere, somehow or to someone.  I feel if I died it wouldn’t matter much to anyone.  I’m not sure if my mother would even cry at my funeral.  Everyone who knew me would go on living life exactly the same the next day and even mentally it wouldn’t affect them too much.  I guess this was the case all along but before I must have thought my existence had a spit of importance.  It was probably an ego thing.  Everyone is too caught up with chasing the carrot to really sit down and analyze your life and death.

Life is too easy.    Food, shelter and safety are pretty well taken care of so for the not very ambitious you might have nothing to do but go a little crazy.  Imagine if your day consisted of hunting for food and being on the look out for some apex predator wanting to rape your whole body with its teeth.  There would be no time for thinking and wondering what the meaning of life is.  The meaning of life would be to not die.  Staying alive would be that shithole you had to dig yourself out of and if you got to the light there would be a new hole the next day.  Not to mention your life expectancy was a lot shorter so you probably wouldn’t have lived long enough to ponder about your existence in such detail.

So what or why am I living for?  I’m not sure and I no longer can fool myself as easily as when I was younger.  I’m just living cause it’s easy right now.  I work, come home, eat, sleep.   You’ll always hear me curse about how everyone in society are a bunch of brainless, closed minded followers but I pretty much believe it’s easier that way.  If life were to ever become more difficult without a reward that I deemed fulfilling, I think I would just beg for permission to move into a buddhist monastery.

I’d like to end off by saying that I’m not anywhere near suicidal.  I know this cause I have no intention yet of spending  my life savings and have not rung up any credit card debt at all.  Also, I’m still eating vegetables and not very much junk food.  Be worried when you see me driving a brand new sports car with a trunk load of potato chips.

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12 comments on “Not sure what I’m living for

  1. hey! i read your comment on my blog! thanks for your kind words :3
    the best place for cookies would definitely be blue chip cookies at the UBC campus. i cant describe them, u must try one for yourself! 🙂

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  2. I never thought of it that way before, that climbing out of misery is a reason to live. And I think about this a lot. But I think for a lot of people life is miserable, like where I live. There’s no work and everything sucks. And it’s so much worse for most of the world. Climbing out of misery requires hope though, that’s the hard part. The animals I rescue need me and would miss me, that’s my reason to carry on.

    Not everybody is a mindless follower but they’re the ones who set the stupid trends of life and culture. You’re not one. Even if I go to ground and nurse my wounds for months sometimes and can’t find the motivation to interact with anybody, I still read. I’m glad you blog.

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    • mindo240 says:

      You think about a lot? crap, you’re just like me and that can’t be a good thing. hahahaha… thinking just leads to trouble. One thing is good about bisbee. Comedian Doug Stanhope lives there. You’re so right about needing hope though otherwise misery just totally sucks. I guess having debt was misery for myself and it gave myself something to achieve. “Once I get out of this debt, I’ll be better.” That’s the mentality anyway. Ya, I’m at a stage right now where I feel I’m not important anywhere. Oh well, I guess I’ll self indulge for now. Thanks for your vote of confidence. As long as I have hardly anyone to listen I will continue to blog. It’s awesome how the internet has given us the opportunity to connect.

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  3. hmmmm…very interesting view on things. I like it, infact I needed to read it exactly right now. I appreciate your perception. Digging oneself out of misery doubleling as the light at the end of the tunnel? Thats Great! Now I too have had a shift in perspective and some Hope thats unconnected to my name.

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    • mindo240 says:

      Hi! I don’t know, I feel life is mostly filled with digging yourself out and keeping yourself out of dung. The moments of dancing freely on top of the mountain doesn’t seem to last. Damn, that’s negative. Sorry…hahaha. I mean life is always great and filled with rainbows and sunshine. I guess it’s all in your perception sometimes. Maybe. Helps anyway. Do you need to dig yourself out of some crap right now?
      Thanks for dropping by and commenting!

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      • I’ve been digging my whole life and as soon as Im out and cleaned up it seems like regardles of my intentions or plans I never ever end up where I set out to go, Im assuming I end up where Im supposed to be? But it never ever fails that wherever I land is crap and Ive gotta dig my way out its like walking in wet concrete uphill against 20mph winds. People are more and disconnected and less trustworthy if at all.Every year it seems like more and more people are on a mission to serve themselves and have a whatever it takes attitude. They dont have any morals or care for others and there are alot more mean fucktards than anything. People have no family values, loyalties etc its really sad

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        • mindo240 says:

          Life definitely can suck and it can suck a lot for a long time. I’m not even going to try to sprinkle any sugar on that one. Some of us are dealt a shitty hand from the beginning and it makes it 10 times more difficult to adapt to this unnatural world.

          Your view on people being all things negative? I pretty much agree. I used to hate it and be somewhat angry about it. You’re damn right, people are mostly selfish and don’t give a crap about anyone for the most part. They are only loyal when their guilt overpowers them.

          I’ve come to a point where I don’t expect people to be any different than this but I no longer direct any negative feelings towards them. I’ve decided to not be like them though. I don’t want to be a person who is full of negative feelings and actions even though they’re everywhere you look.

          I understand why they’re that way and I’ve accepted it. I used to be a fucking selfish, hating piece of crap with some good moments but overall I was a negative human being. I guess a purpose I have in life now is to leave a more positive footprint than a self serving negative one. It sounds like you want to be on a path towards something more positive than most of this society.

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  4. lightpuma says:

    i love u and ur blog man and i wud totally cry if u died D= . and i wud always remember u as a guy who had one of the most raw and transparent opinions of life i’ve ever heard.

    u know i was wondering, have u travelled much? there’s this saying that the world is like a book, and those who don’t travel read only a page of it. so maybe you should travel. and i mean like to asia or something. not NYC or other places in North America. go somewhere overseas, some un-westernized part of the world.

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    • mindo240 says:

      Holy shit, thanks for the touching words. I probably won’t be dying for a while, don’t worry. Life won’t let me off that easy hahaha.

      I can’t really say I’ve travelled much. I’ve been to Hong Kong for 2 months and Australia for 5, Tokyo for a week. Definitely spending time in a non westernized country would be a crazy experience. Kind of scared to go to the 2nd or 3rd world regions though hahaha.

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