The meaning of selfish has probably changed throughout my whole life. Often it could even change depending on my mood and ego. I think for the most part the meaning of selfish to me meant, mostly thinking of myself.
Recently, I’ve realized I’ve always been somewhat selfish. Even when I offered to help a friend in the back of my mind I expected something. I expected them to do the same for me in the future or show some kind of gratitude. This probably sounds more fair than selfish but when you expect something in return then it’s at least a little bit selfish.
Having come to this conclusion I have a new goal in life that is not like any other goal I’ve ever had. All my past goals have always been about getting a better job, or meeting new people or learning something. Always something mostly external. My new goal is to be the most selfless and compassionate person I can be. Well, at least be conscious about it cause I know I’m going to have bad days.
I think too many of us have this attitude of needing to be treated like how we treat others. “He wouldn’t do it for me so why should I do it for him” or “he helped me so I have to help him.” It should be more like, “I want to help because someone needs it and it’s spreading positive energy.”
There were many times I could have offered my help to friends but instead I didn’t and stayed home and watched TV or did nothing much. I had no obligation to help and no one would think less of me but I was being selfish cause sitting at home wasn’t doing anyone any good including myself. Although, I was often too fatigued from my negative lifestyle to have any chance of being in the mood to want to help anyone.
These days though, I have good energy and mood from a regular sleeping schedule and other positive lifestyle changes so I’m very willing to offer any help I can. Another issue before was that my ego prevented me from helping people. I didn’t want to feel like I was anyone’s lacky boy.
I also at times was hating on other people cause I was unhappy. I didn’t entirely like my life so I didn’t want to make anyone else’s better if I wasn’t benefiting. I felt by helping I was widening the inequality gap but my ego or I wasn’t the one moving up.
Lately, I have been offering my services to people and I think they find it strange but hopefully the positive energy will become infectious and steer evolution in a better direction. I have no expectations of getting anything in return and will not have any negative feelings if people I’ve helped just think I’m a sucker.