Death to my ego

I am no one.  I want nothing.  Realizing this has brought me current happiness.  All this sounds like real loser talk, I know.  We’ve been all brought up to want to be the best or at least like the rest.

In the past year I’ve been a bit of a recluse due to foreseen and unforeseen life stuff.  My life now consists of almost no friends and even less family.  At first the realization of this was depressing but once I got used to it and realized I was better off this way I felt sort of enlightened.

Having no circle of people in my life ceased my desire to fit in and the negative feelings I had when I didn’t fit in.  There was no one to really judge me.  I expected less therefore was disappointed less.  My life belonged to me and no one else.  The desire to be “someone”  had died.   I am no one but a human living on this earth.

A couple times over the past few months I would come across articles from this guy named Eckhart Tolle and he kept talking about the ego and how it was the root of most unhappiness.  Some of it made sense to me but it wasn’t until I stopped trying to fit in all the time that I really saw the meaning.

Ego is fake.  It was just this fake person I created and sustained all these years to make myself feel better about myself.  When I couldn’t live up to my ego it depressed me.  When I could, the gratification was short lived or needed a lot of maintenance.  It made me defensive at times and was often offensive.  I was living for this person and not me.  My ego was this “someone” and he’s mostly dead but not completely cause I know I haven’t totally conquered him.

I used to think only people who desired material things and beautiful people had egos but I now know even a bum on the street can have an ego ruling his life.  As long as you think your a someone somewhere somehow then you’ll have an ego.  Oh man it’s hard to write anything with a slight hangover.

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