Pies, Birds, LSD, Life

On Friday I typed a letter to my neighbourhood supermarket.

“Up until some point in the year 2020, this store prepared their ready-to-eat chicken pot pies with a crust all around the filling. This does not appear to be the case now as there is only a crust on the top of the pie. I believe with a crust only on the top should disqualify this item as being labelled a pie. This is now like a sandwich with only one slice of bread. How disappointing would that be? You would have to eat your one-breaded sandwich like a pizza. Also, the pies are now 10% more expensive. I’m paying more money for a lower quality item. I highly doubt that I’m the only person who is disappointed with your crustless-bottomed pies. Is there any chance that you will revert to the previous recipe?”

Today I received an unhelpful canned response but I didn’t expect anything more. Will I have a talk with the store manager about my disappointment? I don’t know. If I do, my actions will resemble that of a typical public protester who is protesting mostly because they have no life and nothing to lose. I believe though, if a group of us make a big enough stink about the pot pies then they will to something.

Two years ago I bought a hummingbird feeder which I did not put to use until last week. My best reason for procrastinating is that I had no sugar in the home. There was a tweet I came across recently:

“When you procrastinate you pass the buck to your future self. The problem is your future self tends to act a lot like you.”

To my delight, I have seen a hummingbird stop by to have a drink.

Procurement of a tab of LSD was successful. The last time I did LSD was in 1995. I highly doubt it will be a similar experience since I’m not the ignorant and oblivious teenager I used to be. Someone well into their adult years can carry a substantial load of anxiety and melancholy. I’ll probably do half the tab and see how it goes.

The oddity of life on an individual basis is that the most important aspect is how we feel. Everyone can view our life as relatively or absolutely good but we have a natural ability to complicate how we feel with our perceived unique experiences which may not have satisfied us in the manner in which we would have liked. The ego may be to blame for this as well as the knowledge of our finite existence. Within our limited time there are finite stages which we believe should be lived accordingly to our beliefs. The feeling of failure in any stage often results in negative feelings that can carry on to the next one. Failure in consecutive stages is often devastating. Your movie thus far is a tragic comedy at best made for other people’s pleasure. It would appear that some people are able to alter their feelings to align with a rosier preferred view but in all likelihood they too are suffering but on a different path. Whether or not people resolve their issues before the lights go out is debatable since a method of measurement does not exist. Regardless of how one feels in the end; life does not care. Life will say, “thank you for your service” or “good riddance.” If you can feel good no matter the circumstances then you have successfully stuck it to life.


Some guy at the park mentioned that he wanted to grow a marijuana plant which inspired me to want to grow a marijuana plant. I went and bought a 4-pack of seeds, potting mix and then while I put it all together I decided that I might as well start some tomato and cilantro plants. This experience is another lesson in how things can happen if you just start. I don’t have much of a clue on how to grow cannabis plants but I have a feeling that some people make it sound more difficult than it really has to be. I had cilantro plants grow on my lawn by literally throwing seeds there and allowing nature to do the rest.

This guy at the park is 54 years old and is likely getting an early retirement package from his boomer job due to the ramifications of COVID. He’s at that age now where he’s been with the company for an eternity which has resulted in him being old and overpaid. Before COVID, he was planning on working a few more years but since having a year off of work he has come to realize he was on a treadmill. Humans have a tendency to remain in their routine if the idea of changing it brings fear. The treadmill you know is better than the devil you don’t. Again, that might have been Confucius who said that or maybe his understudy.

As for me, I have a tendency to put myself in precarious situations with stocks when I do not necessarily have to. Two months ago I had ample supplies and was on a hill high enough so that any flood would not even touch my feet. I’m still sitting on top of the hill but I have eaten all of my food and the water has been rising. I’m safe but I don’t like wet feet and especially do not like wet underwear. Wet clothing dries but you’re limited with what you want to do when wearing wet socks undies. If things get bad I may have to eat my own regurgitation for awhile.

My young friend at the liquor store will be working his last day there this week. Last time I met with him I discovered that he’s very into psychedelics. My first pressing question to him was, “so can you get me some LSD?” He believes psychedelics are responsible for positively changing his life. I’m going to really miss having him so nearby because I truly enjoyed dropping by to talk to him. The conversations I would have with my former high school friends who are almost twice his age aren’t even half as stimulating. I suppose it’s because he’s curious about life and not closed off to new ideas. The general population does not want to explore ideas that do not align with their comfort zone. They’re afraid everything they believe which frames their lives might collapse under the slightest pressure.


Last night, like a nerd, I was watching the replay of the Berkshire Hathaway annual meeting and one of the old guys was eating peanut brittle. I’m not very aware of what peanut brittle is but it strikes me as something all old white people know about like crumpets and sarsaparillas. I’m going to buy peanut brittle tomorrow is what I thought at that moment. At the mall today, the woman at the chocolate shop said peanut brittle is a seasonal item. Godiva is no longer operating there since covid happened but peanut brittle is probably too untrendy for them anyway. When brick & mortar lets you down then you must resort to the internet. Amazon sells peanut brittle but at roughly $30 CAD/lb. I may try it for shits & giggles. If you have stories of your grandfather and peanut brittle, please comment below.

My province has been in a lockdown for a month which means no indoor dining. These lockdowns have been saving me money. If I do takeout I go to McDonald’s because they offer me specials on their app. $2 Big Macs or go fist yourself. I’ve been using disposable gloves to eat my Big Macs so that I don’t get grease and sauce all over my hands. I probably look weird but I’m quite sure that I’m brilliant and people will follow my lead. Along the journey of greatness you have to be able to walk alone while everyone walks away from you.

There was a day last week when I made homemade macaroni & cheese which I ate all of it that same day. Also on that same day I had a Mcflurry fake ice cream from McDonald’s. Also on that same day I almost shit my pants 1 hour after the Mcflurry. I had to abruptly leave a conversation with the clerk working at the nearby liquor store. A wise person once said, “when one thinks they might shit themselves, nothing else in the world matters.” I think it was Confucius who said that. It’s not very economical to make your own macaroni & cheese vs the frozen type especially if you end up shitting yourself after. What do you do with underwear drenched in diarrhea anyway? Do you wash them in the bathtub and make 3rd world drinking water or do you put them in a bag and dispose of them in a public trash can? Does someone you know see you and ask, “hey, what do you got in there?” Do you say, “I shit myself just now so I’m throwing away the underwear.” “Oh,” they say. Does that person ever look at you the same again?

Scenario #2: That someone asks you what you have in the bag and you suspiciously say “nothing.” They don’t quite believe you so they come back later to the scene of the crime and dig up that bag to find your poo laden underwear. Joke is on them.

The quality of cheese is the most crucial ingredient

Disclaimer: The author is long Berkshire Hathaway, Amazon and McDonald’s shares at the time of this writing.

Zero to Hero

The 24-year-old clerk at the liquor store felt that I was attacking his ego so he decided to reveal to me his cryptocurrency gains. Just before he did so he said it would be going against what his parents had advised to him which was to never tell people how much money you have. I guess he couldn’t help himself.

He checks for the balance on his phone while I play a guessing game in my head. If I had to bet I would wager that he has $50,000 on the high end and $20,000 on the low end.

“$90,000 Canadian dollars, he says.”

“Holy shit,” I say.

You could sense the ego boost I gave him. Six months ago I remember him telling me that his goal was to save up $10,000 which meant he didn’t even have $10,000 six months ago. How this story ends is something to be seen but in my estimation he did the right thing. His paltry liquor store earnings were never going to do anything for him besides comfortably afford him potato chips and a 6-packs of new underwear. As comforting as carbohydrates and brand new cotton are, they provide no enhancement for your future. Four months ago, I advised him to work more hours and put the extra money in cryptocurrency, not because I thought it was such a great idea but because there was nothing else he was willing to do including getting his driver’s license. He refused to work additional hours but I guess it’s okay given he’s up a shit ton anyway.

Some of his friends of the same age have made more than him by going balls to the wall during this crypto craze. At 24 years old with 6 digits worth of money they all probably have a 24/7 boner for life. History would dictate that this ends badly. If so they’re going to have to deal with an extended period of flaccidity. I’ve tried to convince him to take some out but he’s reluctant, believing his asset will for sure double in a few months because he, “has a good feeling.”

I guess we’ll see what happens.

When I was 24 years old I had shit all. I was unemployed surviving off a few thousand dollars of savings while I explored the world of photography. If I had closer to $100,000 I can tell you that I might not be thinking of going back to a job but I didn’t have $100,000 so I don’t know how I would have felt. When you’re 24 years old with $100,000 there are doors in the foreseeable horizon that can open for you.

For example, if invested for 15 years while also adding $500 a month at a compound annual rate of 10% you will have over $600,000. If someone put that in my head at 24 which probably no one would have but if someone had, I might have found the motivation to at least find $500 a month that I could tuck away knowing that I could be in bonerland in 15 years.

If you increase the duration to 30 years you will have accumulated $2,731,904. This would greatly decrease the likelihood of killing yourself. Base case scenario you would be king of the lazy bugs. I’ve presented this idea to my young friend to ponder. At the moment though he’s gripped by the euphoria of cryptocurrency gains so I don’t know how he will approach his next moves. My last bit of advice for him for that night was, “DO NOT…FUCK…THIS…UP.”

Pet Project

Just a few weeks ago I began bringing my dog along with me to see the old guy who I shop groceries for. Not surprisingly he likes my dog immensely.

Some comments from him:

“Please, bring her over every time.”

“I fell in love with her the first time I laid eyes on her.”

Every time before we leave he says, “Bye Beauty. Love you.”

I’m not sure how my dog feels about him hugging and kissing her. I doubt she likes it but she needs to fulfill a purpose in this short life of hers. While he was torturing my dog with what he thinks is love, I thought of asking him if he wanted a photo with her which he happily agreed to. Later that day I came up with the idea to have various people pose for a picture with my dog and then put them together in an album, I mean, a physical one like in the good ol’ days.

The constituents of this album will only include people who have shown a genuine liking towards my dog. I’ll make exceptions for any female who is above average in physical attractiveness or any celebrity even if they are ugly. I’m a shallow human being.

There’s only 2 photos so far in the album and I’m struggling to nominate more than a handful of worthy individuals. It’s not outside the realm of possibility that I would travel to have pictures taken with my dog. It can be like an adventure like the Craigslist red paperclip saga where a guy bartered 14 transactions from a paperclip to a house. My tale will start with an old guy and end with Oprah. I can do this because I have time but I can’t do it because I’m kind of lazy.

An issue with orchestrating a photo to be taken with Oprah is that the Canadian/American border is closed to travellers unless deemed essential. An alternative is to attempt to contact Canadian icons such as Celine Dion or Bryan Adams. In my estimation though, Ryan Reynolds would be more likely to accept my proposal. There’s a fair to high probability though that none of them are residing in Canada since America is much more kind to people with fame and money. Canada only guarantees 2 things in life: Snow and high taxes.

If I can accumulate an acceptable amount of participants for my project then I can proceed to write a short biography of each individual. I will likely need a number in the double digits otherwise the large publishing houses will not consider my work. Once a best seller, my dog will be famous and part II of, Everyone Loves Baby The Dog ,will include an assortment of celebrities with all of them being good looking this time. When you move up in the world you’re allowed to forget about the little and ugly people even if they have helped you to get you to where you are. In life, you can’t let the bottom feeders hold you back from living your greatest life. They only exist so that the dominant species can always feel better about themselves. It is said that, comparison is the thief of joy, but that only applies if you’re a loser. When you’re on top, comparison is joy.


My main purpose to venture out to the shopping mall today was to buy a pretzel dog. They make them fresh so many occasions I find myself waiting for them to bring out the next batch. During my wait I had a browse in the Hallmark store for no good reason. They have some nice gift items so I gifted myself an item.

I’m not a Snoopy fan but I’m not anti-Snoopy either. I don’t think today’s kids know or care about Snoopy, Bugs Bunny or Garfield. When people stop caring about them they die. I don’t want them to die. It made me feel good to buy something from Hallmark because it’s such a wholesome store. My plan is to keep this little guy for some time and then gift it to someone. When it comes time to give it away I’ll probably be too sentimental and then decide that no one deserves it.

If today does not feel very appealing you can go out and breathe fresh air. Maybe the birds will be singing. Maybe the sun will give you some warmth. Free music and free vitamin D. Go flush the toilet knowing that there’s a large percentage of people in the world who do not have the luxury to flush clean drinking water away for their amusement.

The day is going to happen whether you like it or not so you can smile or not. Snoopy wants you to smile.

This post has been brought to you by Hallmark.

Food and Thought

On a YouTube video, an ex-prisoner stated that the #1 thing that prisoners miss most is not a fleshy bodily organ around their penis but instead, food. On a TV show some guy had a plate of French toast in front of him which made me want a plate of French toast in front of me. That was a few days ago. Ten minutes previously from the time of writing this post, I ate French toast that I prepared. Maslow’s hierarchy of prisoner needs has shelter and French toast on top while #2 is raping men once adequate energy is consumed.

On the way home, the radio had a show talking about all the consumer goods that get washed up onto shore from natural and man made disasters. The economy and people’s lives depend on everyone buying stuff they don’t need so that people have jobs manufacturing and selling stuff people don’t need.

A good way to hate your life is to figuratively sign it away to something or something that was probably never going to work out very well. My former housemate is an intentional conman who was able to con his way in to marrying a doctor. You can escape your way out of marriage fairly easily but she signed a new lease by having a child with him. She met him when she was 18 years old so she attached herself well before she could be of an age when she could be aware that losers usually don’t change. They had broken up for a while which was when I should have told her that he once had a plan to have his dogs euthanized if he wasn’t able to locate a dogsitter for the time he would be away in another country for vacation. My guess is that if he couldn’t find a dogsitter then his family wouldn’t allow him to join in on the trip with them. Years later when I accused him of the situation, he acted as if I made it all up. He may have that special ability some people have to block out information that does not agree with them. Some people call this being fucked in the head. Having the dogs being on a possible death row I ended up offering to take them in. He’s a good guy though because he believes in Jesus and has a cross tattooed on his arm.

Life is constructed in a manner in which it requires an abundance of time and effort to accomplish a goal but only one day to have it all fall apart. Evolution favours the people who persist and don’t screw up. A giant blunder will have you sitting in the corner for the rest of your life. I will leave you with some wise words:

  • Have money so that you can tell people and certain parts of life to get lost.
  • Don’t allow parasitic humans in your life
  • Don’t tell yourself it is or will be okay when you know it is probably not the case

It’s not a coincidence that I know so many deficient human beings. If I associated with them, what does it say about my past self? The statistics and literature do not favour the demographic of people who attained bad grades, dropped out of high school, involved themselves in criminal activity. There are some people I know who did not fall into this demographic but were still deeply associated with them. They’re not any better as much as they would like to believe they are. Their deficiencies are more easily masked by an appearance that the masses do not think to scrutinize.

Con Artist

At the nearby park the other day I bumped into a couple who I know from being fellow dog owners in the neighbourhood. They brought up the idea of having me care for their dog if they both pass away at an age before 60. It sounded like a conversation of shits & giggles but they sounded more serious as the discussion progressed. They started talking about putting me in their will and it sounded like they were planning to give me everything they own if I agreed to care for their dog in case they both simultaneously died in a mass shooting or car accident.

“You’re the only person we would trust with our dog,” they said.

Ummm…okay. Am I the world’s greatest con man? I had entertained the idea that some of the seniors who I volunteer to help would stick it to their kids and will me their possessions but I never imagined this couple would beat them to it. Life is funny in that way. A lifelong cigarette smoker fears they will die from lung cancer but they could end up dying from choking on a piece of broccoli.


  1. I’m the world’s greatest unintentional con man
  2. Everyone they’ve known in the last 50 years is an asshole

The two of them dying before the dog is unlikely but not crazy. They both have had serious health issues, both requiring major surgery. A mass shooting while they are shopping at Walmart is unlikely but now they have given someone incentive to have them disappear prematurely while ensuring the dog remains alive. I may or may not have watched the film, Leon The Professional, more than a few times.There’s also the possibility that when one dies the other dies soon after due to heartbreak.

It’s very possible that a higher power has secretly anointed me as a Chosen One. I’ve always felt that I was more special than others. It’s a reasonable explanation given the situation. In my biography it will read, “Mr Johnson credits his good fortune to having read the book, How To Win Friends & Influence People.

Shopping and Selling Shopping

I saw a Poshmark commercial on TV today and it reminded me of their stock that had gone public not too long ago. I find the idea of an app that allows you to sell used clothing slightly interesting but I’m not totally sold on the idea. What I might be missing though is that I’m not a female so it doesn’t necessarily matter what I think since it’s highly likely it will be a mostly female dominated platform. I downloaded the app and listed an item for sale to familiarize myself with the platform. The most interesting aspect of it to me so far is that unlike eBay, Poshmark takes care of some of the shipping details. They charge a flat rate to the buyer and the seller is responsible for packaging and taking it to the post office. The buyer has 3 days from receiving the item to complain about the possible shit stain on the scarf you sent them to possibly get a refund. From what I understand, Poshmark will pay for the return shipping if it is agreed that you were sold a shit stain scarf. And of course they have a social media aspect to it where you can “like” and do other community oriented actions. It seems as though eBay and Craigslist are having their market share nibbled on by services that offer a more targeted experience. But Craigslist is free and always a good local option.

On the topic of shopping, I bought a kettlebell today from a discount store. The idea is that I’ll use it while watching TV or when I’m outside at the front of my home looking like a strange person standing in front of his home. Let me tell you, symmetrical objects made of metal with no moving parts are not cheap. As a conscious shopper I quickly browsed the prices of 15 lb handheld metal objects sold at reputable retailers.

You might be asking, “are you sure that’s the price of a single one and not a pair?” Everything tells me they’re priced as singles except the price. As for my purchase price, $34.99 which is still too damn expensive but what do I know about metal prices and manufacturing of metal objects.

Same name brand as the one above!

I had always wanted to buy shares of TJX, the parent company of the discount store, but it was always expensive to me. During the pandemic I had a chance to buy at depressed prices which I did but I quickly sold for a small profit. My thought was, do I really want to own shares of a business that has its doors closed during the pandemic? The answer was no but I guess it should have been yes because the stock just kept going up.

Lesson #1: The stock market does not care what you think.

During the drive home I thought about how the rich people build shopping malls to entice us to give them our money for things we don’t need so that we can spend our days working for them to perpetuate the cycle. The common person is just a transfer vehicle of money for the rich. Often, this leads to health issues and poverty. You go to the mall to get fatter, poorer but never better. In the case of my kettlebell, I can claim it has the potential to produce health benefits but I could have just found a plastic jug and filled it with small rocks.

Covid Complacency, Probiotics, Cryptocurrency

The other day as I was making my way to the bathroom to brush my teeth I realized that another benefit of mandatory masks is that there is one less reason to brush your teeth. You can also get away with not trimming your nose hairs. I hope this virus never goes away.

I’ve been on the hunt for probiotic foods which led me to wonder if pickles are a good source. Apparently, most pickled vegetables do not contain probiotics because they’re soaked in vinegar or other probiotic-killing ingredients. Don’t believe anything you read here because my research sucks. There’s overwhelming evidence that a healthy gut is very important for mind and body health. There’s also evidence that if an individual is concerned with their probiotic intake it is an indication they’re not suicidal. I may try kim chi or stick with kefir.

Bitcoin is at $60,000 USD tonight. It was $3000 in March 2020. The kid at the liquor store has had a position at a much lower price than the current price. Maybe he should be mentoring me. A couple of months ago he told me he started to deploy funds from his line of credit to buy more bitcoin at a time when the price was in the $35,000 range. He opened the line of credit from my advice after I concluded that he was responsible with credit. He said he had never had an issue with credit card debt. He also had never been invested in bitcoin either and had it wildly appreciate.

Euphoria does things to people. It’s like never having a female kiss you and one day one comes along and touches your genitals — that’s checkmate. In this case, bitcoin is the female. My response to him was that he doesn’t need to invest with credit in such a risky asset class since he already has money invested at lower prices already. His response was, “but it’s a good idea because the percentage I’ll gain from bitcoin will be much higher than the interest on my credit. Bitcoin isn’t risky.” We had a long discussion about risk and the bad feelings that come along with it when it doesn’t go your way. Risk can be like when you share a prison cell with a midget and think he can’t rape you with his midget strength and penis. One night you decide to sleep on your front and he ends up on top of you owning you with his jujitsu skills and third leg. And then, it hits you, it all becomes clear why his nickname is, Tripod. Risk is what you don’t know.

But hey, he’s young and there is a possibility that bitcoin reaches $1 million. He’s not doing anything else with his life right now and has no other plans so this may be his best bet considering the situation. An old guy in the neighbourhood said, “I think bitcoin is overvalued.” I replied that anyone who is not invested in it thinks it is overvalued. I can see bitcoin being comparable to Napster, the first popular music sharing platform. Since Napster there have been many file sharing services but now the the streaming industry has evolved and has been legitimized and improved by platforms such as Apple Music, Netflix, YouTube and Spotify. Bitcoin makes sense but maybe it’s just cryptocurrency in its experimental phase. Often, with technology, something better comes along.